Transitioning from first year was a bit of a weird one. Clearly, my GPA for first year demonstrated I have potential. But I was feeling an immense sense of annoyance and self-loathe, over how my disability affected some module grades. This allowed me to put a lot of pressure on myself initially. But also, this sense of irritancy, over something I ultimately can’t change, manifested itself into extreme anxiety in the lead up to these results. Literally, crying and shaking before I’d even got them.
Having now received my provisional grades, I can say they have relit a little spark of motivation that I’ve so desperately been trying to retrieve since sixth form. With my boyfriend being a high achiever, initially I downplayed my grades, drawing on old ways of thinking e.g., self-deprecation, thinking ‘this isn’t good enough still.’ But I wanted to make this Instagram post to reflect on my progress. My biggest takeaway is:
🌟’Trust the process’🌟
Often, I find studying Law it’s unlikely you’re going to understand everything all at once. You are not always going to perform at your best in formatives. With anxiety, I’ve found that my mind tends to predict outcomes so as to signal a ‘flight or fight’ response to ‘protect’ myself. A phrase I have to repeat to myself is ‘thoughts are not facts’ and that I simply have to have faith in my intelligence. I WILL eventually understand this. I will do well in this module. In order for me to do this, I have to be open to making mistakes and getting a bit behind on the work. This does not define your intelligence nor determine what you’re set to achieve.
Whilst I’m still not quite in the place I want to be academically (inner perfectionist coming out to say hi), I’m a damn sight closer than I was this time last year. Last semester, I learnt an awful lot about how to effectively study alongside managing a mental illness.
2nd Year LLB